FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Annual Office Christmas Party
I%26#039;m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room
at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We%26#039;ll have a small band playing traditional carols. Feel free to sing
along. And don%26#039;t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however,no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone%26#039;s pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday%26#039;s memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we%26#039;re calling it our %26quot;Holiday Party.%26quot; The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or
those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no
Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung.We will have other
types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++...
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table... you didn%26#039;t sign your name. I%26#039;m
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads %26quot;AA Only%26quot; you wouldn%26#039;t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union
members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
$10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++...
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees%26#039; beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off
on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package
every- thing for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy.
Will that work?
Meanwhile, I%26#039;ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men%26#039;s table. However, to the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short
people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot
control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with
high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as
dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply %26quot;No Sugar%26quot;
desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F**king Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The F**king Holiday Party
Vegetarians!! I%26#039;ve had it with you people!!! We%26#039;re going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the %26quot;grill of death,%26quot; as you so
quaintly put it, and you%26#039;ll get your f**king salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I%26#039;ve heard them scream. I%26#039;m hearing them
scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk
and die, you hear me?
The **** from HELL!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I%26#039;m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I%26#039;ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Katie
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